Saturday, November 20, 2010
I feel utterly alone in a sea of unfullfilled hopes, dreams and unshed tears. Do I still feel anything? My pain feels deep and endless. So endless I feel empty--unable to move past the tragic feeling that I might turn into a stone. Cold. Unfeeling. Unmoved.
Somehow...amidst the clatter of Nos yesterday, I became overwhelmed. Drowning and drowning. Even the walls we're closing me in. It was after weeks of being on the edge, of living each day on survival mode, I eventually stopped breathing.
I thought the enclosed feeling would vanish once my lungs took in the fresh air, but it seems as I called my parents to say hello...I lost myself. I couldn't bite away the tears streaming down my face. Nor the ache of home, of a place where I don't wake up as if I'm in constant battle. Peace, that once pure and beautiful word. Now it's more like some unattainable state of feeling. Peace and home is so far away. I drowned in my feelings last night. I knew I wouldn't be good company, that I couldn't bring my parents down with me...so I said goodnight.
I shed my clothes to try to take off the stench of loneliness, of gloom and of a cage so suffocating I recoil. I let out yelps, of pains unspoken there. Like a confession, so raw I sat in the shower...allowing my tears to mix with the water.
Today I woke up different, emptier than I've been before. Even the magical world of Harry Potter (although moments of laughter burst from lips) I am still empty. Somehow, all the joy and wishing for things to be different. Of understanding has seize to be priorities anymore. I simply live...but I no longer LIVE. Not here and not now.
It will take all the strength of God and myself to come back to this cage after Thanksgiving.
God be with me...please.....
Somehow...amidst the clatter of Nos yesterday, I became overwhelmed. Drowning and drowning. Even the walls we're closing me in. It was after weeks of being on the edge, of living each day on survival mode, I eventually stopped breathing.
I thought the enclosed feeling would vanish once my lungs took in the fresh air, but it seems as I called my parents to say hello...I lost myself. I couldn't bite away the tears streaming down my face. Nor the ache of home, of a place where I don't wake up as if I'm in constant battle. Peace, that once pure and beautiful word. Now it's more like some unattainable state of feeling. Peace and home is so far away. I drowned in my feelings last night. I knew I wouldn't be good company, that I couldn't bring my parents down with me...so I said goodnight.
I shed my clothes to try to take off the stench of loneliness, of gloom and of a cage so suffocating I recoil. I let out yelps, of pains unspoken there. Like a confession, so raw I sat in the shower...allowing my tears to mix with the water.
Today I woke up different, emptier than I've been before. Even the magical world of Harry Potter (although moments of laughter burst from lips) I am still empty. Somehow, all the joy and wishing for things to be different. Of understanding has seize to be priorities anymore. I simply live...but I no longer LIVE. Not here and not now.
It will take all the strength of God and myself to come back to this cage after Thanksgiving.
God be with me...please.....
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